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Dear Coach:
I thought that encouraging my football team to celebrate their first touchdown en masse in a game against our longtime conference rival would be a good idea, a way to fire my guys up. Now I'm not so sure, even though we won the game. I've already written a letter of apology to the University of Florida and the Southeastern Conference. What else can I do to show good sportsmanship?
-- Embarrassed in Athens

Embarrassed:
Your first mistake was feeling shame. Your second mistake was apologizing. Your third mistake was endorsing such a timid, namby-pamby celebration. The next time your team scores first, have them gather as a group, then mark their territory by lifting their legs and urinating on your opponent's end zone, goalpost and mascot. If the referee subsequently throws a flag, punch him in the face. Then urinate on him, too.

Remember, "sportsmanship" is loser talk.
-- Bill